Not Much is Joyful Lately

I have been going through a dark time emotionally this past month. It feels like if it’s not one thing it’s another. Tonight I prayed with a friend and for the first time in years I cried. I felt the tears run down my face as I begged God to wake me from this nightmare. I am weary of battling the anxiety and depression that worsens each day. I have taken steps to get better but lately things seem futile. I accept God as a fact of life but I feel separated from Him, like I don’t know Him, like He’s an impersonal and cold universal. I told another friend that today. It’s like I know all sorts of facts about God, but I don’t know Him personally. Logically, I cannot accept a world without God. But He seems so out of reach… or perhaps I’ve wandered away so far. I’ve filled every waking hours with distractions, emotional drugs to soothe the pain. Sometimes it’s reading stories. Other times it’s watching videos on whatever topic pops up on my YouTube recommendations. Other times, like now, it’s staring into the darkness while the headaches punch me at random intervals. The headaches are bad, but the heartaches are worse. Sometimes I have trouble breathing.

I’ve been through these episodes so many times before. I’ve come out each time somehow. But this time I feel crushed under a weight so heavy I’m worn out from trying to escape. I just want to sink into the clay and give up.

But still I pray to God, please take me out of this mire and set me on solid ground. Let me feel Your joy again. My soul thirsts for You, for nothing makes sense without You. Life is futile without You, God. Please, let me know You. Be my friend, my Father, my salvation.

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